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Title: Collected Stories
Author: Thomas Love Peacock
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eBook No.: 0606181.txt
Language: English
Date first posted: August 2006
Date most recently updated: August 2006

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Collected Stories
Thomas Love Peacock

Table of Contents

The Last Day of Windsor Forest


MANY of my younger, and some of my maturer years, were passed on the
borders of Windsor Forest. I was early given to long walks and rural
explorations, and there was scarcely a spot of the Park or the Forest,
with which I was not intimately acquainted. There were two very
different scenes, to which I was especially attached: Virginia Water,
and a dell near Winkfield plain.

The bank of Virginia Water, on which the public enter from the
Wheatsheaf Inn, is bordered, between the cascade to the left and the
iron gates to the right, by groves of trees, which, with the exception
of a few old ones near the water, have grown up within my memory. They
were planted by George the Third, and the entire space was called the
King's Plantation. Perhaps they were more beautiful in an earlier age
than they are now: or I may so think and feel, through the general
preference of the past to the present, which seems inseparable from
old age. In my first acquaintance with the place, and for some years
subsequently, sitting in the large upper room of the Inn, I could look
on the cascade and the expanse of the lake, which have long been
masked by trees.

Virginia Water was always open to the public, through the Wheatsheaf
Inn, except during the Regency and Reign of George the Fourth, who not
only shut up the grounds, but enclosed them, where they were open to a
road, with higher fences than even the outside passengers of stage-
coaches could look over, that he might be invisible in his punt, while
fishing on the lake. William the Fourth lowered the fences, and re-
opened the old access.

While George the Third was king, Virginia Water was a very solitary
place. I have been there day after day, without seeing another
visitor. Now it has many visitors. It is a source of great enjoyment
to many, though no longer suitable to Les Reveries d'un Promeneur

A still more solitary spot, which had especial charms for me, was the
deep forest dell already mentioned, on the borders of Winkfield Plain.
This dell, I think, had the name of the Bourne, but I always called it
the Dingle. In the bottom was a watercourse, which was a stream only
in times of continuous rain. Old trees clothed it on both sides to the
summit, and it was a favourite resort of deer. I was a witness of
their banishment from their forest-haunts. The dell itself remained
some time unchanged: but I have not seen it since 1815, when I
frequently visited it in company with Shelley, during his residence at
Bishopgate, on the eastern side of the Park. I do not know what
changes it may have since undergone. Not much, perhaps, being now a
portion of the Park. But many portions of the Park and its vicinity,
as well as of the immediate neighbourhood of Windsor, which were then
open to the public, have ceased to be so, and such may be the case
with this. I have never ventured to acertain the point. In all the
portions of the old forest, which were distributed in private
allotments, I know what to expect. I shrink from the ghosts of my old
associations in scenery, and never, if I can help it, revisit an
enclosed locality, with which I have been familiar in its openness.

Wordsworth would not visit Yarrow, because he feared to disappoint
his imagination:

   Be Yarrow stream unseen, unknown!
    It must, or we shall rue it:
   We have a vision of our own.
    Ah! why should we undo it?
   The treasured dreams of times long past.
    We'll keep them, winsome Marrow!
   For then we're there, although 'tis fair.
    'Twill be another Yarrow.

Yet, when he afterwards visited it, though it was not what he had dreamed,
he still found it beautiful, and rejoiced in having seen it:

   The vapours linger round the heights:
    They melt, and soon must vanish:
   One hour is theirs, nor more is mine:
    Sad thought which I would banish.
   But that I know, where'er I go.
    Thy genuine image Yarrow!
   Will dwell with me, to heighten joy.
    And cheer my mind in sorrow.

He found compensation in the reality, for the difference of the
imagined scene: but there is no such compensation for the
disappointments of memory: and when--in the place of scenes of youth,
where we have wandered under antique trees, through groves and glades,
through bushes and underwood, among fern, and foxglove, and bounding
deer; where, perhaps, every "minutest circumstance of place" has been
not only "as a friend" in itself, but has recalled some association of
early friendship, or youthful love--we can only pass between high
fences along dusty roads, I think it best to avoid the sight of the
reality, and to make the best of cherishing at a distance

   The memory of what has been.
    And never more will be.

I do not express, or imply, any opinion on the general utility of
enclosures. For the most part, they illustrate the scriptural maxim:
"To him that hath much, much shall be given; and from him that hath
little, shall be taken away even the little he hath." They are, like
most events in this world, "Good to some, bad to others, and
indifferent to the majority." They are good to the landowner, who gets
an addition to his land: they are bad to the poor parishioner, who
loses his rights of common: they are bad to the lover of rural walks,
for whom footpaths are annihilated: they are bad to those, fro whom
the scenes of their youth are blotted from the face of the world.
These last are of no account in ledger balances, which profess to
demonstrate that the loss of the poor is more than counterbalanced by
the gain of the rich; that the aggregate gain is the gain of the
community; and that all matters of taste and feeling are fitly
represented by a cypher. So be it.

George the Fourth's exclusions and high fences had not, however,
effectually secured to him the secrecy he desired. On an eminence
outside of the royal grounds, stood, and still stands, in the midst of
a pine-grove, a tower, which from its form was commonly called the
Clock-case. This tower, and the land round it, had been sold for a
small sum, as a lot in a sale of Crown Lands. The tower was in two or
three stories, and was inhabited by a poor family, who had a
telescope, supplied, most probably, by the new proprietor, on the
platform of the roof, which rose high above the trees, and commanded
an extensive view of the lake. This tower and its grounds became a
place of great resort for pic-nic parties, and visitors of all kinds,
who kept up a perpetual succession at the telescope, while the Royal
Angler and his fair companion were fishing. This became an intolerable
nuisance to the would-be-recluse. He set on foot a negociation for re-
purchasing the Clock-case. The sum demanded was many times the
multiple of the purchase-money. The demand was for some time resisted,
but the proprietor was inflexible. The sum required was paid, the
property reverted to the Crown, and the public were shut out from the
Clock-case and its territory. When William the Fourth succeeded, this
story was told to him, and he said: "A good place for a view, is it? I
will put an old couple into it, and give them a telescope:" which was
done without loss of time. I saw and conversed with this old couple,
and looked through their telescope.

About the same time, William the Fourth was sitting one Sunday
evening in a window of Windsor Castle, when the terrace was thronged
with people.

A heavy rain came on, and the people ran in all directions. He said
to one near him: "This is the strangest thing I ever saw: so many
English people, without an umbrella among them." He was told that, by
order of his late Majesty, umbrellas were prohibited on the terrace.
"Then," he said, "let the prohibition be immediately withdrawn."

In the early days of his reign, he was fond of walking about, not
only in Windsor, but in London. It pleased him to be among the people.
In one of his walks, he noticed, in Windsor Little Park, a board with
an inscription, by which all persons were "ordered" to keep the
footpath. He desired that "requested" might be substituted. He was
told that "requested" would not be attended to. He said: "If they will
not attend to 'requested' that is their affair: I will not have

A most good-natured, kind-hearted gentleman was William the Fourth:
but to record the many instances of good feeling in his sayings and
doings, which came within my knowledge, would be foreign to the
purpose of the present paper.

The Act for the enclosure of Windsor Forest contained the following


53rd George III. Cap. 158.

LXIV.--And be it further enacted, That from and after the first day
of July one thousand eight hundred and fourteen, all and singular the
Lands, Tenements and Heridaments within the said respective Parishes
and Liberties (save and except such Parts thereof respectively as are
now or shall or may become vested in His Majesty, or any Person or
Persons in Trust for Him by virtue hereof) shall be, and the same is
and are hereby disafforested to all Intents and Purposes whatsoever;
and that from thenceforth no Person or Persons shall be questioned or
liable to any Pain, Penalty or Punishment for hunting, coursing,
killing, destroying or taking any Deer whatsoever within the same,
save and except within such Part or Parts thereof (if any) as shall be
enclosed within Pales and kept for a Park or Parks by the Owners,
Lesees, or Tenants thereof.

There can be little doubt, that the exception in favour of the Crown
was intended to apply to all the provisions of the lause: but it was
held by Counsel learned in law, that it applied to the first half
only, and that, after the specified day, it was lawful to kill deer in
any portion of the old forest, not enclosed with pales, whether such
portion had, or had not, been vested in the Crown. The Crown allotment
had been left as it was.  Armed with this opinion, a farmer of Water
Oakley, whose real name I have forgotten in his assumed name, calling
himself Robin Hood, and taking with him two of his men, whom he called
Scarlet and Little John, sallied forth daily into the forest to kill
the king's deer, and returned home every evening, loaded with spoil.

Lord Harcourt, who was then Deputy Ranger of the Forest, and
discharged all the duties of superintendence (for the Ranger, who was
a Royal Highness, of course did nothing), went forth also, as the
representative of Majesty, to put down these audacious trespassers. In
my forest rambles, I was a witness to some of their altercations: Lord
Harcourt threatening to ruin Robin Hood by process in the Court of
Exchequer; Robin Hood setting him at defiance, flourishing the Act of
Parliament, and saying: "My Lord, if you don't know how to make Acts
of Parliament, I'll teach you."

One day, I was walking towards the Dingle, when I met a man with a
gun, who asked me, if I had seen Robin Hood? I said, I had just seen
him at a little distance, in discussion with Lord Harcourt, who was on
horseback, Robin Hood being on foot. He asked me to point out the
direction, which I did; and in return I asked him, Who he might be? He
told me, he was Scarlet. He was a pleasant-looking man, and seemed as
merry as his original: like one in high enjoyment of sport.

This went on some time. The law was not brought to bear on Robin
Hood, and it was finally determined to settle the matter, by driving
the deer out of the forest into the Park. Two regiments of cavalry
were employed for this purpose, which was kept as secret as possibe,
for a concourse of people would have been a serious impediment to the
operation. I received intelligence of it from a friend at court, who
pointed out to me a good position, from which to view the close of the

My position was on rising ground, covered with trees, and overlooking
an extensive glade. The park was on my left hand: the main part of the
forest on the right and before me. A wide extent of the park paling
had been removed, and rope fencing had been carried to a great length,
at oblique angles from the opening. It was a clear calm sunny day, and
for a time there was a profound silence. This was first broken by the
faint sound of bugles, answering each other's signals from remote
points in the distance: drawing nearer by degrees, and groing
progressively loud. The came two or three straggling deer, bounding
from the trees, and flying through the opening of the park pales. Then
came greater numbers, and ultimately congregated herds: the beatings
of their multitudinous feet mingled with the trampling of the yet
unseen horses, and the full sounds of the bugles. Last appeared the
cavalry, issuing from the woods, and ranging themselves in a semi-
circle, from horn to horn of the rope fencing. The open space was
filled with deer, terrified by the chace, confused by their own
numbers, and rushing in all directions: the greater part through the
park opening: many trying to leap the rope fencing, in which a few
were hurt; and one or two succeeded: escaping to their old haunts,
most probably to furnish Robin Hood with his last venison feast. By
degrees, the mass grew thinner: at last, all had disappeared: the rope
fencing shut up the park for the night: the cavalry rode off towards
Windsor: and all again was silent.

This was, without any exception, the most beautiful sight I ever
witnessed: but I saw it with deep regret: for, with the expulsion of
the deer, the life of the old scenes was gone, and I have always
looked back on that day, as the last day of Windsor Forest.



NOTWITHSTANDING the great improvements of machinery in this rapidly
improving age, which is so much wiser, better, and happier than all
that went before it, every gentleman is not yet accommodated with the
convenience of a pocket boat.* We may therefore readily imagine that
Miss Ap-Nanny and her sister Ellen, the daughters of the Vicar of
Llanglasrhyd, were not a little astonished in a Sunday evening walk on
the sea shore, when a little skiff, which, by the rapidity of its
motion had attracted their attention while but a speck upon the waves,
ran upon the beach, from which emerged a very handsome young
gentleman, dressed not exactly in the newest fashion, who, after
taking down the sail and hauling up the boat upon the beach, carefully
folded it up in the size of a prayer-book and transferred it to his
pocket: after which he turned himself to the sea, and, scooping up
some water in the hollow of his hand, poured it down again in the
manner of a libation, calling on the names of Neptune and Bromian*
Jupiter and Proteus and Triton and the Nereids. Then turning towards
the rocks he spread open his arms and invoked the Nymphs, the
mountains, the rivers, the lakes, the fields, the springs, the woods,
and the sea-shore, by the several appellations of Oreads, and Naiads,
and Limniads, and Limoniads, and Ephydriads, and Dryads and
Hamadryads. He did not notice the young ladies till he had completed
this operation, and when he looked round and discovered them he seemed
a little confused, but made them a very courteous bow in a fine but
rather singular style of ancient politeness. From the moment of his
first landing, and the commencement of the curious process of folding
up his boat, Miss Ap-Nanny had been dying with curiosity, and had
consulted her sister Ellen as to the propriety of addressing the
stranger, having, however, fully made up her mind beforehand as usual
with young ladies when they ask advice.

The stranger spared Ellen the trouble of giving her opinion by
advancing and politely enquiring if there were any such thing as a
town or inn in the neighbourhood? those being things, he said, for
which he was instructed to enquire. Miss Ap-Nanny informed him, in
fifty times as amny words as were necessary, that there was no town
within many miles, but a very good inn for the accommodation of
picturesque tourists, kept by a very polite well-behaved accommodating
old woman, named Gwyneth Owen, whose poor dear husband was gone to
Abraham's bosom. "I hope he will not stay there long," said the
stranger, touched apparently with sympathy by the rueful aspect with
which Miss Ap-Nanny deemed it expedient to pronounce these latter
words. The hawk's-eyes of Miss Ap-Nanny distended with amazement: but
she proceeded to point out the way to the inn, observing at the same
time: "You seem to be a stranger here, sir"--"Perfectly, sweet lady,"
was the reply, which left Miss Ap-Nanny's curiosity as unsatisfied as
before, though her wide mouth was pursed up into a smile by the
courteous appellative, for she was not esteemed a beauty in this
sinful generation, though she had eyes like the fish-pools by the gate
of Bath-rabbim, and a nose like the tower of Lebanon which looks
towards Damascus.* These prepossessing features, with the subaddition
of two thin colourless lips, like faded threads of pink silk, set
altogether in a complexion of smoky yellow like the wood of the
Barberry-tree, over-shaded with inflexible masses of coarse copper-
coloured hair, and mounted on a neck not perhaps very unlike the tower
which David built for an armoury, formed altogether a combination of
feminine charms that might have warmed the heart of a Jew, though it
was doomed to "waste its sweetness on the desert air" among the
tasteless squires of Cambria.

"Your way to the inn," she pursued, "lies to the left of that rocky
peak; where you will see a narrow path that will bring you into the
public road, where you will first pass by the house of my papa, the

This was said to give the stranger a notion of her consequence, but he
astonished her again by asking: "Pray, what is a vicar?"

"A vicar, sir," said Miss Ap-Nanny, "Lord bless me! don't you know
what a vicar is?"

The stranger had too much politeness to press any further enquiry into
a subject which the lady seemed either unable or unwilling to explain,
as to what a vicar might be, and directed his attention to her
companion. All the mild and modest simplicity of Cambrian beauty
concentered its gentle graces in the beautiful Ellen. The soft light
of her dark-brown eyes indicated a rare and happy union of
sprightliness and gentleness: her complexion, delicately fair, was
tinged with the natural roses of serenity and health: her black hair
curled gracefully round her ivory temples, under the becoming Welsh
costume of a black hat and feather: and her symmetrical figure
sustained no disadvantage from the pressure of the sea-breeze upon her

Nature had gifted our youth with a very susceptible spirit, and the
contemplation of this beautiful creature fanned the dormant sparks of
his natural combustibility into an instantaneous conflagration. When
we add to this that these were the first unmarried girls he had ever
seen, it will not appear surprising that he with difficulty restrained
himself from falling at the feet of the lovely Ellen, and proffering
himself to her acceptance as her true and devoted knight: but calling
to mind some prudent counsels that had been carefully engraven on the
tablets of his memory, touching the importance of time and place, he
tore himself away with a very polite bow and an inarticulate
valediction; and following the directions of Miss Ap-Nanny, arrived at
the hospitable doors of mine hostess Gwyneth Owen.

The inn was filled with picturesque tourists who had arrived in
various vehicles by the help of those noble quadrupeds who confer so
much dignity on the insignificant biped, that if he venture to travel
without them and rest his reception on his own merits the difference
of his welcome may serve to shew him how much more of his imaginary
importance belongs to his horse than to himself. Our traveller
arriving alone and on foot was received with half a courtesy by the
landlady, and shewn into the common parlour where the incipient cold
of the autumnal evening was dispelled by an immense turf fire, by
which were sitting two elderly gentlemen of the clerical profession,
recumbent in arm chairs, with their eyes half shut, and their legs
stretched out so that the points of their shoes came in contact at the
centre of the fender. Each was smoking his pipe with contemplative
gravity. Neither spoke: nor moved, except now and then as if by
mechanism, to fill his glass from the jug of ale that stood between
them on the table, and the moment this good example was set by one the
other followed it instantaneously and automatically as the two figures
at St Dunstan's strike upon the bell to the great delight of cockneys,
amazement of rustics, and consolation of pickpockets. The stranger
made several attempts to draw them into conversation, but could not
succeed in extracting more than a "Hum!" from either of them. At
length one of the reverend gentlemen, having buzzed the jug,
articulated, with slow and minute emphasis: "Will you join in another

"Hum!" said the other.

A violent rattling of copper ensued in their respective coat pockets;
two equal quantities of half-pence were deliberately counted down upon
the table; the bell was rung, and the little, round, Welsh waiting-
maid carried out the money, and replenished the jug in silence. They
went on as before till the liquor was exhausted, when it became the
other's turn to ask the question, and the same eventful words, "Will
you join in another jug?" were repeated, with the same ceremonies and
the same results.

Our traveller, in the meanwhile, looked over his tablets of
instruction. These two reverend gentlemen were the Vicar of
Llanglasrhyd and the Rector of Bwlchpenbach. The rector performed
afternoon service at a chapel twenty miles from his rectory, and
Llanglasrhyd lying half-way between them, he slept every Sunday night
under the roof of Gwyneth Owen, where his dearest friend, the Vicar of
Llanglasrhyd, met him to smoke away the evening. They had thus passed
together every Sunday evening for forty years, and during the whole
period had scarcely said ten words to each other beyond the usual
forms of meeting and parting, and "Will you join in another jug?" Yet
were their meetings so interwoven with their habitual comforts that
either would have regarded the loss of the other as the greatest
earthly misfortune that could have befallen him, and would never,
perhaps, have mustered sufficient firmness of voice to address the
same question, "Will you join in another jug?" to any other human
being. It may seem singular to those who have heard the extensive form
of Welsh hospitality that the vicar did not invite the rector to pass
these evenings at his vicarage; but it must be remembered that the
Rector of Bwlchpenbach was every week at Llanglasrhyd in the way of
his business, and that the Vicar of Llanglasrhyd had no business
whatever to take him on any single occasion to Bwlchpenbach; therefore
the balance of the consumption of ale would have been entirely against
the vicar, and as they regularly drank three quarts each at a sitting,
or one hundred and fifty-six quarts in a year, the Rector of
Bwlchpenbach would have consumed in forty years six thousand two
hundred and forty quarts of ale, without equivalent or compensation,
at the expense of the Vicar of Llanglasrhyd, a circumstance not to be
thought of without vexation of spirit.

Our traveller folded up his tablets, rung the bell, and inquired what
he could have for supper, and what wine was to be had? The landlady
entered with a tempting list of articles, and enumerated several names
of wine. The stranger seemed perplexed, and at length said he would
have them all, for he liked to see a well-covered table, having always
been used to one. The landlady dropped a double courtesy, and the
reverend gentlemen dropped their pipes; the pipes broke, and the
odorous embers were scattered on the hearth.

When the supper smoked, and the wine sparkled on the table, the
stranger pressed the reverend gentlemen to join him. They did not
indeed require much pressing, and assisted with great industry in the
demolition of his abundant banquet: but sill not a syllable could he
extract from either of them except that the Vicar of Llanglasrhyd,
when his heart was warmed with Madeira, invited the rector and the
young stranger to breakfast with him the next morning at the vicarage,
which the latter joyfully accepted, as he very well by this time
understood that his lively and jovial companion was the father of the
beautiful creature who had charmed him on the sea-shore. He sate from
this time in contented silence, contemplating the happy meeting of the
following morning while the reverend gentlemen sipped the liquid so
far and only till with their usual felicitous sympathy they vanished
at the same instant under the table. The landlady and her household
were summoned to their assistance. The Vicar of Llanglasrhyd was
carried home by the postillions, and the Rector of Bwlchpenbach was
put to bed by the ostler.


OUR YOUTH was not unmindful of his engagement, and rising
betimes, sent up his compliments to the rector of Bwlchpenbach to know
if he was ready to accompany him to the vicarage. The ostler, by dint
of knoching a the door and shouting "Ho! ho! ho! your reverence!"
succeeded in waking the reluctant rector, and in extracting a response
very oracular in its brevity, the purport of which was that he was too
queasy to rise. The stranger therefore proceeded to the vicarage
without him, where he found the lovely Ellen in the parlour alone, to
whom he found himself under the awkward necessity of explaining that
he came to breakfast by the vicar's invitation; for the vicar had been
carried home in a state of profound sleep, and had continued in the
same state sans intermission, so that his family necessarily remained
in profound ignorance of his appointment. Ellen ran upstaies and
knocked at her father's door to announce the starnger's arrival, but
he vicar sympathised in queasiness with his friend the rector, and
murmured an injuction to his wife and daughters to do the honours of
the house. Miss Ap-Nanny, hearing her sister's communication, skipped
down stairs by three steps at a time, determined not to let the
stranger escape again without gratifying her curiosity about himself
and his baot. Mrs Ap-Nanny, a grave and solemn matron, as silent as
her husband, next made her appearance, and the beautiful hands of
Ellen prepared the tea.

"Ellen, my dear," said Miss Ap-Nanny, "perhaps Mr--I beg the
gentleman's pardon, I have not the pleasure of knowing his name."

"My name," said the stranger, "is Calidore."

"A foreign name, I presume," said Miss Ap-Nanny.

"Probably," said the stranger.

"But, dear me, sir, surely you must know something about your own

"Certainly," said Calidore, stealing glances all the while at Ellen,
and perfectly distrait.

"Allow me to hand you some toast: you must have had a very pleasant
sail yesterday."

"Very pleasant!"

"Did you come far?"

"Very far."

"From Ireland perhaps."

"Not from Ireland."

"Then you must have come a long way in such a small boat, such a very
small boat."

"Not so very small: it is one of our best sea boats."

"Do you carry your best sea boats in your waistcoat pockets? Then I
suppose in your great-coat pockets you carry your ships of the line!--
But, dear me, sir, you must come from a very strange place."

"I come from a part of the world which is known to the rest by the
name of Terra Incognita. I am not at liberty to say more concerning

"But, sir, if it is a fair question, what has brought you to Wales?"

"I have landed on this shore by accident. My present destination is
London. I am to remain in this island twelve months, and return with a
wife and a philosopher."

"God bless me! what can Terra Incognita want with a philosopher, and
how are you to take them away?"

"In the same boat that brought me."

"Why, who do you think will trust herself? You would like some more
tea?--Ellen, my dear, do you think any lady would trust herself?"

"If she had love enough," said Ellen.

"Cream and sugar?" said Miss Ap-Nanny.

"The boat is perfectly safe," said the stranger, looking at Ellen. "I
could go through a hurricane with it."

"Love, to be sure, will do anything," said Miss Ap-Nanny, "but, Lord
bless me! Pray take an egg; and to be sure it would be worth some risk
just in the way of curiosity to see Terra Incognita. They must be very
strange people, but what they can want of a philosopher I cannot
imagine. I hope if you bring him this way you will keep him muzzled,
for my papa says they are very terrible monsters, fiends of darkness
and imps of the devil. I would not trust myself in a boat with one for
the world. Would you, Ellen, my dear?"

"I should not be much afraid," said Ellen, smiling, "if he were in the
hands of a safe keeper."

"We have a philosopher or two among us already," said the stranger,
"and they are by no means such formidable animals as you seem to

"But my papa says so," said Miss Ap-Nanny.

"I bow acquiescence," said the stranger, "but perhaps the Welsh
variety is a peculiarly fierce breed."

"I am happy to say there is not one in all Wales," said Miss Ap-Nanny.

"I hear they run tame in London," said Ellen.

"Then you are not so much afraid of them as your sister, said the

"Not quite," said Ellen, smiling again, "I think I would venture into
the same room with one even if he were not in an iron cage."

"Oh, fie, Ellen," said Miss Ap-Nanny, "that is what you call having
liberal opinions. I cannot imagine where you got them. I am sure you
did not learn them from me. Do you know, sir, Ellen is very heterodox.
My papa actually detected her in the fact of reading a wicked book
called Principles of Moral Science, which, with his usual sweet
temper, he put, without saying a word, behind the fire. He says
liberal opinions are only another name for impiety."

"Dear, good man!" said Mrs Ap-Nanny, opening her mouth for the first
time, "he never was guilty of a liberal opinion in the course of his

Mrs Ap-Nanny left the room shortly after breakfast to superintend the
affairs of the household; and Miss Ap-Nanny, who was her secreatry of
state for the culinary department, was called out to assist in
consultation whether leek porridge or buttered ale should be
administered to the queasy vicar: for, though the old gentleman
preferred the latter, Mrs Ap-Nanny was of opinion that the former was
more medicinal, and the vicar was one of that numerous class of
Benedicts* of whom their wives take so much care in their
indispositions, that they are never suffered to consult their own
tastes in any of the essential practice of the science of dietetics.
On this occasion, however, the vicar was roused to exertion, and was
so Athanasian* in his invectives against the leek porridge, and so
Jeremitaylorically* pathetic in his entreaties for the buttered ale,
that the heart of Mrs Ap-Nanny was softened, and the ale was prepared

Whether it was owing to the exertion he had used in obtaining the ale,
or to the ale itself, or to both in conjunction, we are not prepared
to say, but the vicar found himself suddenly better, rose, dressed and
descended. Opening the parlour-door, he recoiled several paces in
amazement to see the stranger on his knees before his daughter Ellen,
in the act of making passionate love, and Ellen, in the simplicity of
her heart, listening to him with interested if not delighted

"Heyday!" exclaimed the vicar, who was destined this morning to exert
his energies more than he had done for twenty years, "Why, what on
earth--? Is this your return for my old Welsh hospitality, to begin by
seducing my daughter, the staff of my life now that I am stricken in

"I assure you, sir," said Calidore, "I have none but the most
honourable motives."

"How can that be, sir, when you never saw her before this morning?"

"Indeed, sir, I beg your pardon. I saw her yesterday."

"Oho! then you came here by appointment, and this was the scheme
between you to lay a trap for my sobriety, and make me an accomplice.
And now I recollect, I do not recollect that I gave you an invitation,
as you want to make me to believe I did."

"Nay, sir, your friend the rector can witness it."

"Sir, what can a young man of your figure--you look like a courtier--
mean by making love at first sight to my daughter? What can you mean,
sir? Perhaps you have heard that she will have a thousand pounds, and
that may be a temptation."

"Money," said the stranger, "is to me mere chaff." And producing a bag
from his pocket, and shaking it by one corner, he scattered on the
floor a profusion of gold. The Vicar, who had seen nothing but paper
money for twenty years, was astonished at these yellow apparitions,
and picking up one inspected it with great curiosity. On one side was
the phenomenon of a crowned head with a handsome and intelligent face,
and the legend ARTHURUS REX. On the reverse, a lion sleeping at
Neptune's feet, and the legend REDIBO.

"Here is a foreign potentate," said the Reverend Dr Ap-Nanny, "whom I
never remember to have heard of. Pray, is he legitimate by the grace
of God, or a blasphemous and seditious usurper whom the people have
had the impudence to choose for themselves?"

"He is very legitimate, and has an older title than any other being in
the world."

"Then I reverence him," said the Vicar. "Old Authority, sir, old
Authority, there is nothing like old Authority. But what do you want
with my daughter?"

"Candidly, sir," said the stranger, "I am on a quest for a wife, and
am so far inspired by the grace of Venus, Cupid, and Juno, that I am
willing my quest should end where it begins--here."

"On a quest!" exclaimed the Vicar; "Venus, Cupid, and Juno! Ah! I see
how it is. Rich, humoured, and touched in the head. Pray, what do you
mean by Juno?"

"Juno Pronuba, said the stranger, the goddess of marriage."

"I see, sir, you are inclined to make a joke of both me and my
daughter. Sir, I must tell you this very unbecoming levity."

"My dear sir, I assure you."

"Sir, it is palpable. Would any man make a serious proposal to a man
of my cloth for his daughter, and talk to him of the grace of Venus
and Cupid and Juno Pronuba, the goddess of marriage?"

"I swear to you, sir," said the stranger, earnestly, "by the sacred
head of Pan."

"Pan!" exclaimed the vicar. "Sir! this is most outrageous. Ellen, my
love, fetch me another mug of buttered ale, for my exertions exhaust

Ellen disappeared, glad of momentary relief, for she had been sitting
in a state of extreme embarrassment, with her hands crossed on her
lap, and her looks fixed on the carpet. The vicar threw himself into
his great arm-chair, and fanned himself with his handkerchief. The
stranger stood silently watching the door for the reappearance of
Ellen, who shortly returned with the mug, which the vicar, taking,
presented to the stranger, saying: "Come, sir. My wrath, which was
great, must not make me unmindful of old Welsh hospitality."

Calidore took the mug, and sipped it to please the vicar, having first
poured a small quantity of it on the floor, saying: "Hilethi,

"Really, sir," said the vicar, after a copious draught,--"this is most
monstrous and most incomprehensible. I wax warm, sir, in wrath."

The truth was that the vicar was really angry with the stranger's
words and actions, but as often as he cast his eyes on the golden
shower on the floor he felt his wrath suddenly mollified But having
broken the ice of his voice he went on like a general thaw, to the
great amazement of Ellen, as well as of Mrs and Miss Ap-Nanny, who,
hearing the unusual rimbombo of his gutturonasal eloquence, burst into
the room to ascertain what was the matter.

"I declare," said Mrs Ap-Nanny, "here is the floor covered with

"I declare," said Miss Ap-Nanny, "here is papa in a passion."

"I am so," said the vicar, "and with very orthodox reason. I am in a
great and very exceeding passion. I found this young man in the act of
seducing Ellen--"

"Nay, nay, dear papa," said Ellen deprecatingly.

"Oh! the monster!" said Miss Ap-Nanny.

"Oh! horrid!" said Mrs Ap-Nanny.

"And with this gold, I suppose," said Miss Ap-Nanny. "Did he throw all
this gold on the floor?"

"Yes," said the vicar: "he throws everything on the floor: he threw
himself on the floor: he threw his money on the floor: he threw my
buttered ale on the floor."

"And greased the carpet, I protest!" screamed Mrs Ap-Nanny.

"And had the impudence to talk to me about Bacchus," continued the
vicar; "and called Pan to witness that he wanted to marry my daughter
by the grace of Venus and Cupid and Juno Pronuba, the goddess of
marriage: which I think composes altogether the most atrocious outrage
that was ever offered to a man of my cloth."

"I am so inexperienced in the manners of this country," said Calidore,
"that I did not know that the greatest outrage one gentleman can offer
to another is to propose to marry his daughter. I should have acted
with more circumspection if I had been aware of this fact."

"Sir," said the vicar, "there is no such fact but in your own head,
which seems to be a repository for every thing that is nowhere else,
and for nothing that is elsewhere. Sir, the vial of my wrath

"Jupiter knows," said the stranger.

"Jupiter!" said the vicar. "Do you take my daughter for Dana', that
you come courting with a shower of gold? Rally sir, I must say--"

"Certainly," interrupted Miss Ap-Nanny, "it is a most extraordinary
proceeding for a gentleman to land one evening on a strange coast, and
begin the next morning by making love to one of the two first pretty
girls he sees. But Ellen knows better than to listen to such a fly-
away offer. Don't you, Ellen, my dear?"--Ellen was silent.--"Why,
bless me, the girl is bewitched. What can you have done to her, you
wicked wretch, to bewitch her so completely in such a short space of
time?" And combining this idea of Ellen's bewitchment with those of
the gold and the pocket-boat, the conviction flashed upon her that the
stranger was one who had sold himself to the devil; and unable in her
sudden panic to give utterance to the idea, she fell back in a chair
kicking and screaming in a fit of violent hysterics.

"Water! water!" cried the vicar, and in his hurry and alarm poured
over her forehead the remainder of his buttered ale.

Ellen slipped away in the confusion, sent in the servant with the
water, and made her escape into the garden. The stranger snatched his
opportunity and pursued her, while Dr and Mrs Ap-Nanny were engrossed
with the fainting spinster. Calidore, after a few detours among the
thick shades of the garden, found Ellen by the banks of a little
torrent, that flung itself in rapid descent down a sloping hollow of
rock. She was sitting on a rustic bench under a trellis wreathed with
clematis, which she had planted and reared. Calidore threw himself at
her feet. Ellen was exceedingly discomposed. Her acquaintance with the
youth of the other sex had been limited to the jolly squires and
hunting parsons of Cambria, and a young and handsome stranger,
kneeling at her feet, and breathing passionate love, made a very
dazzling impression on her inexperienced and susceptible mind.
Calidore, on the other hand, who had come to England on a quest for a
wife, had been prepared to fall in love at a moment's notice, and
being thus prepared on both sides the ignition was easy and the
combustion rapid. Ellen however, could not feel perfectly convinced
that she had really made so sudden a conquest; nor, if she had been so
convinced, could she have supposed that a flame so lightly kindled
would not be as easily destroyed. She therefore, as usual on similar
occasions, assured the enamoured youth that she had no other
attachments; that if he were what he appeared to be she might in time
feel kindly disposed towards him; entreated him to take a little time
to ascertain if his momentary partiality were likely to continue
permanent; exhorted him to proceed to London, as that was his
destination, and assured him that if he revisited that part of Wales
she should be happy to see him again. Calidore* could not but
acquiesce in the propriety of all she said: and, encouraged by these
sweet words, and by much sweeter looks, he tore himself away from the
garden of the vicarage, returned to the inn, threw himself into a
post-chaise, and set forward for the metropolis. We shall leave him to
enjoy the music of hoofs and wheels, while we give some account of his
birth, parentage and education.


KING ARTHUR, after the fatal battle in which so many of his knights
perished, and he himself was dangerously wounded by the traitor
Mordred, was conveyed by the Ladies or Nymphs of the waters on board a
small vessel, which made from the land in the sight of Duke Lukyon of
Gloster. Fatigue and exhaustion overcame the pain of his wound, and he
fell into a deep sleep. When he awoke, under the midnight moon, he
found himself miraculously well. Merlin was standing by him on the
deck with a small bottle. He had just poured from it a few drops upon
Arthur's wound, which had healed immediately. Looking round, the king
found himself in the midst of familiar faces. He recognised his dear
Guenever, and her dear friend Sir Launcelot, and Sir Cawline and his
lady, and Sir Gawaine and Sir Kay and many other valiant and courteous
knights and ladies bright of blee, and last not least in love his
butler Bedevere.

"Honest Bedevere," said King Arthur, "if there be anything in this
vessel analogous to a buttery and a cellar, do thy office and let us
eat and drink. This is a merry meeting indeed, for I thought we were
all dead."

"The will of fate," said Merlin, "seconded by my art and this vital
elixir, has wrought this effect. You must forsake your kingdom for the
present, but you shall return to it by-and-by with a numerous
chivalry, and reign glorious and victorious in Britain. Meanwhile we
must live in a solitary island, in a sea hitherto unexplored, where we
must enjoy ourselves as well as we can till the fated hour of your

"Very well," said King Arthur; "and for the present, illuminate
Bedevere with your art, to assist him in procuring us a supper, for
none of us has eaten anything since we were killed."

Merlin led the whole party to the cabin, where they feasted joyously
till sunrise, and continued to live a very merry life during the whole
of their voyage.

When they approached the destined island they were delighted to
perceive that its aspect presented a most promising diversity of
mountain, valley, and forest reposing in the sunshine of a delicious
climate. Two very singular persons were walking on the seashore; one
in the appearance a young and handsome man with a crown of vine-leaves
on his head; the other a wild and singular figure in a fine state of
picturesque roughness with goat's horns and feet and a laughing face.
As the vessel fixed its keel in the shore and King Arthur and his
party landed, the two strangers approached and inquired who they were,
and whence they came?--This, replied Merlin, is the great King Arthur;
this is his fair queen, Guenevere: and I am the potent Merlin: these
are the illustrious knights of the round table: and this is the King's
butler, Bedevere. The butler, said the first stranger, shall be
welcome. And so shall the ladies, said the second. But as to the rest
of you, pursued the first, we must know you a little better before we
accord you our permission to advance a step in this island. I am
Bacchus, and I, said the other, am Pan. So, said Sir Launcelot, I find
we have to contend with the evil powers. If you mean us by that
appellation, said Bacchus, you will find us too strong for you. This
island is the retreat of all the gods and goddesses, genii and nymphs,
who formerly reigned in Olympus, and dwelt in the mountains and
valleys of Greece and Italy. Though we had not much need of mankind,
we had a great affection for them, and lived among them on good terms
and in an interchange of kind offices. They regaled us with the odours
of sacrifice, built us magnificent temples, and especially showed
their piety by singing and dancing, and being always social and
cheerful, and full of pleasure and life, which is the most gratifying
appearance that man can present to the gods. But after a certain time
they began to change most lamentably for the worse. They discontinued
their sacrifices; they broke our images, many of which we had sate for
ourselves; they called us frightful and cacophonous names--Beelzebub
and Amaimon and Astaroth: they plundered and demolished our temples,
and built ugly structures on their ruins, where, instead of dancing
and rejoicing as they had been used to do, and delighting us with
spectacles of human happiness, they were eternally sighing and
groaning, and beating their breasts, and dropping their lower jaws,
and turning up the whites of their eyes, and cursing each other and
all mankind, and chaunting such dismal staves that we shut our eyes
and ears, and, flying from our favourite terrestrial scenes, assembled
in a body among the clouds of Olympus. Here we held a council as to
what was to be done for the amendment of these perverted mortals; but
Jupiter informed us that necessity, his mistress, and that of the
world, compelled him to acquiesce for a time in this condition of
things, that mankind, who had never been good for a great deal, were
now become so worthless, and withal so disagreeable, that the wisest
course we could adopt would be to leave them to themselves and retire
to an undisturbed island for which he had stipulated with the fates.
Here, then, we are, and have been for ages. That mountain on which the
white clouds are resting is now Mount Olympus, and there dwell Jupiter
and the Olympian deities. In these forests and valleys reside Pan and
Silenus, the Fauns and the Satyrs, and the small nymphs and genii. I
divide my time between the two, for though my home is Olympus, I have
a most special friendship for Pan. Now I have only this to say, that
if you come here to make frightful faces, chaunt long tunes, and curse
each other through the nose, I give you fair warning to depart in
peace: if not, we shall find no trouble in expelling you by force, as
Jupiter will testify to you. Jupiter gave the required testification
by a peal of thunder from Olympus.

Merlin and King Arthur fell on their knees, and the rest of their
party followed the example.

"Great Bacchus and mighty Pan," said Merlin, "pity our ignorance and
take us under your protection, for if you banish us from this happy
shore, our vessel must wander over the seas for ever, like the Flying
Dutchman that is to be, and we are very ill victualled for such a

"Speak," said Bacchus.

Will you drink, and join with me
In midnight feast and revelry.
And songs whose notes shall take their pace
From an Olympic chariot-race.
Till Echo from our social mirth
Shall learn there still are souls on earth.
And with her hundred tongues repeat
The tale to Jove's own mountain seat?"

"That will we," exclaimed King Arthur and Merlin.

"That will we," shouted the knights of the round table.

"That will we," vociferated the butler, with a voice like the voice of three.

"Speak," said Pan.

"Will ye dance and bound with me
At evening round the old oak tree
Or round the tall and tufted pine.
With woodbine wreathed and eglantine.
While Fauns shall pipe, and wood nymphs sweet.
The cymbals clash, the timbrels beat;
Knights and damsels fair and free.
Will ye join these sports with me?"

"That will we," exclaimed the ladies of King Arthur's court.

"That will we," exclaimed the king and the knights and Merlin and the butler.

"Rise, then," said Bacchus: "rise, then," said Fan, courteously
assisting the ladies.

Mercury came flying from the clouds on Olympus and presently alighted
among them. "I come," said he, "to propose a treaty of holy alliance
between the powers of Olympus and those of Fairyland. What says

"It is my dearest wish," said Merlin.

"Then stretch forth your wand."--Merlin stretched forth his wand:
Bacchus touched it with his thyrsus: a vessel immediately appeared in
the offing, from which landed Oberon and Titania, and the whole of the
fairy court. Pan blew his horn, and a chorus of Fauns, Satyrs, Nymphs
and Genii came dancing from the woods. Apollo and Venus came down from
Olympus. The happy alliance was concluded immediately. Oberon raised
on the spot a palace for King Arthur. Bacchus made a fountain of wine
spring up in the hall and gave it in charge to the butler Bedevere.
Pan spread a sumptuous banquet: and the whole assembly of Gods,
Nymphs, Genii, Fairies, Knights, and Ladies, entered at once into the
full spirit of festal harmony, feasting, singing and dancing till Iris
came down to inform Apollo that the Hours were looking for him, as it
was near the time of sunrise.

It was the virtue of this island that its inhabitants were exempt from
age and mortality: but they did not as a great philosopher has
conjectured that persons similarly circumstanced would do, "cease to
propagate": on the contrary, the ladies deemed themselves bound in
loyalty to raise an army for King Arthur, that when the time should
come for him to revisit his kingdom, he might do so with glory and
power. Merlin assuming (by means of a pure anticipated cognition, as
the transcendentalists express it) the figure of Mr. Malthus, made
them an oration on the evils that might result from a too rapid
increase of population, in an island where no one could die, and where
they might possibly be under the necessity of remaining some ages,
expatiating with great eloquence on the virtue of moral restraint; but
his eloquence was thrown away: les choses alloient leur train:* and
one morning, being thrown into a panic by the squeal of a newborn
child, Merlin called his flying chariot, and waited upon Jupiter to
entreat his interference in checking the impending dangers of a
superabundant population. Jupiter consulted with Juno, and sent
Mercury with a message to Necessity, the Queen of the World. On the
return of Mercury, Jupiter assured Merlin that there should be only
three children to a marriage, and that no marriage should take place
before the parties were twenty years of age: and he might satisfy
himself by an easy calculation that this judicious arrangement would
restrain the population of the island within the capacity of its
produce, for a much longer period of ages than King Arthur and his
followers were likely to inhabit it.

Thus the islanders increased in numbers only by slow and regular
gradations, and lived much the same kind of life as Pindar, in his
tenth Pythian, ascribes to the Hyperboreans, alife eternally
diversified by songs and festal dances, the breathing of pipes and the
resonance of lyres, and banquets of protracted festivity, at which
they bound their hair with golden laurel in honour of Apollo. Our
islanders were less exclusive in their garlands, and forgot neither
"the myrtle of Venus nor Bacchus's vine." Bacchus became so fond of
them that he was almost a stranger in Olympus, and seldom sight of
King Arthur; and in turn the butler Bedevere seldom lost sight of

But, as Ulysses grew weary in the island of Calypso, and cast a
longing look towards the shores of Itbaca, so King Arthur often found
himself much too comfortable where he was, and longed for the time to
come when he should return to his kingdom, and flourish again his good
sword Escalabor. It would sometimes happen, at long and rare
intervals, that there was an odd male child; and as it could not be
expected that this unfortunate person should live without a wife, and
be held up as a solitary and shining example of the beauty of moral
restraint, Merlin deemed it more prudent, when he arrived at the
marriageable age, to provide him with a fairy boat, and send him,
under restrictions of secrecy, to England, to choose a wife for
himself. On these occasions King Arthur enjoined him to examine
accurately the state of the country, that he might judge from his
report if there were a good opening for his return. Merlin took the
same opportunity of procuring all remarkable philosophical books, that
he might have an accurate view of the progress of human knowledge: and
the ladies were always most unmerciful in their commissions for
trinkets and jewellery. To detail the results of all these expeditions
would lead us too far from our present subject. On one occasion King
Arthur was informed that England was at that time governed by a
cowardly braggadocio, whom his barons had just pent up in a little
island in the Thames, and were making him do and say just whatever
they pleased.

"They must treat kings with more ceremony mony," said King Arthur,
"before I trust myself among them."

On another occasion he heard tha the people's faces had grown longer
by an inch an a half; that they were always psalm-singing an "seeking
the Lord," and not finding him so readily as they expected, had amused
themselves en attendant with cutting off the king's head, and tha a
French wag had made this epigram on this occasion:--

The English, in their way of managing things.
Dock the tails of their horses, the heads of their kings;
But the French, among whom more politeness prevails.
Let their kings wear their heads and their horses their tails.

"Very facetious indeed," said King Arthur, "but I have a great
aversion to long faces, and have too much regard for my horse's tail
to trust it among them at present."

On another occasion he was told that the people had risen with one
voice against the doctrine of divine right, had turned out a
legitimate fanatical Scotchman, and imported a grave Dutchman, to
whom, and his lawful heirs, they had made over themselves and all
their posterity for ever, and that this they called a glorious

"I see," said King Arthur, "I bestir myself speedily, or my legitimacy
will stand but a poor chance."

"Wait a little," said Merlin, "and you will see the doctrine of divine
right rise from its ashes in the shape of a plump French Phoenix, and
fatten itself on the blood and treasure of England, to the great
delight and glory of the nation."

Many years now passed by without an odd male child; and they would
have remained in total ignorance of what was passing in the old world
but for an accident which never before had happened on those shores--a
shipwreck.* King Arthur and his knights were leading the midnight
revelry, in company with Bacchus and Pan, in the royal palace,
careless of the roar of the midnight storm; when the butler Bedevere
entered and informed them that a vessel had been cast away on the
shore, and only one person had escaped, whowas soliciting shelter and
refreshment. "Refresh him," said King Arthur, "then bring him in and
let us see him."

"I will soon set him to rights," said Bacchus.

All eyes were fixed on the door, and when Bedevere reopened it the
whole party recoiled in surprise and alarm from the strange apparition
that entered. A thin figure, in a close suit of black, which stuck to
him the closer from being wet through with salt water; a face
artificially stretched into preposterous elongation; eyes of which
little more than the whites were visible long straight hair that hung
like ends of black rope on each side of a hollow and saffron-coloured
face; compounded altogether such a phaenomenon as none of the party
had ever before seen or imagined. The apparition paused on the
threshold, and stretching out his hands and spreading his long thin
fingers, exclaimed:-"Satan avaunt! Hast thou spread thy snares for me
in the wilderness? Sons and daughters of Belial! leave your
abominations and lewd meetings and revelries, and fall on your knees
and humble yourselves before the Lord with fasting and mortification
and godly groans."

"Leave your grimaces," said King Arthur, "and eat, drink, and be

"If any be merry," said the apparition, "let him sing psalms."

"Drink," said Bacchus. "Here is a cup of Chian for you. I am the
roaring Bacchus."

"Avaut! Beelzebub!" said the spectre. "Tempt me not. Children of
Belial, I say unto you--"

"Stop--" said Arthur--

"Now say what manner of man art thou.
And whither would'st thou rove.
And why hast thou that clouded brow.
And is it for some evil vow
Or for thy lady love?"

"I am one," said the stranger, "whose feet are joyful on the
mountains, for he bringeth good tidings."

"So it should seem," said Sir Launcelot, "by your pleasant

"I am a missionary of the New Light," pursued the stranger. "The
spirit has moved me to wander and call back the stray sheep, the
heathen and the gentile into the fold of sanctification. But the wind
hath whirled me about, and the sea hath cast me forth among you. You
are the children of Belial, and shall be cast into outer darkness."

"I understand this fellow," said Bacchus. "He is one of same cast as
the old lamenters, whose dismal faces and frightful noises compelled
us, as a mere matter of taste; to forsake the ancient world. Let me
talk to him. You are a missionary of the lew Light."

"Verily I am a chosen vessel."

We are all staunch Heathens here. You would like to convert us?"

"Truly I would baptise you in Jordan, and whitewash your inward man."

Very well. There is a prophetess who lives just by in a cavern in the
wood. She is an oracle. Convert her, and we will all follow. You have
only to get the best of the argument with her, and your victory is

"I will buckle on the armour of controversy and beat down Satan under
my feet."

Pan undertook to shew him the way, and conducted him to the cave of a
beautiful wood-nymph, with whom he left him.

A month passed away, and they heard nothing of him, till one night,
while the palace was resounding with the sounds of music and the feet
of the dancers, the wood-nymph appeared among them, followed by the
chosen vessel. It was with difficulty that they recognised him, for he
was in the dress of a Bacchanal; his hair was curling and bound with a
wreath of vine-leaves; his face was round; his eyes sparkled; his
right hand brandished a thyrsus, and in his left he carried a goblet,
which he held out with a significant Bacchic gesture to Bedevere.
Bedevere filled it with wine, and the missionary, advancing to
Bacchus, poured a libation before him and knelt on one knee. Bacchus
raised him up, embraced him with delight and said: "The nymph, I see,
had the best of the argument."

"She has converted me, I confess," said the missionary.

"By what process of logic," said Bacchus, "we will not enquire too

The proselyte smiled: the nymph blushed, and, taking him by the hand,
led him into the mazes of the dance, where he frolicked the gayest of
the gay.

"I protest," said Queen Guenever, "he is really handsome fellow. Who
would have thought it?" Such is the difference," said Bacchus,
"between cheerful and gloomy creeds. Cheerfulness is the great source
and fountain of beauty: but the ugliest object in nature is a human
visage distorted by a fanatical faith."

King Arthur learned from this new-comer that all Europe was in an
uproar; that the swinish multitude had broken loose, and was playing a
cup and ball with sceptres and crowns. "Well," said King Arthur to
Merlin, "what say you now?"

"I say," said Merlin, "as I have always said:--'Patience!'"

"You have said so," said King Arthur, "any time these thousand years."

"But you see very clearly," said Merlin, "things are continually
getting better."

"I maintain," said King Arthur, "they are continually getting worse:
for I am certain that though in my time there wer in Britain many
monsters 'whom I and my good knights did slay,' there were no such
monsters as these chosen vessels, of whom it seems there are swarms in
that country now."

"That is an oscillation," said Merlin, "an accidental variation, or,
to speak more correctly, a secular moral equation, as I will prove--;"
and Merlin being a perfectibilian and King Arthur a
deteriorationist, they immediately lapsed into an argument on a point
which they had argued for a thousand years, and were of the same
opinions still.

The chosen vessel became a new light among the Gentiles, and an
especial darling of Bacchus and Pan. The first-fruit of his
theological controversy with the wood-nymph was our hero Calidore: and
the year which placed Calidore on the marriageable list, the number of
males exceeding that of females by one, the lot fell on him to set
sail in the fairy-boat and choose a wife for himself in England. He
was charged with the usual commissions from the ladies and Merlin,
with this addition from the latter, that being desirous to understand
the progress of things viva voce from a philosopher, he commissioned
him to bring over, on any terms, the finest philosopher he could buy.


THE FIRST object of Calidore on arriving in London was to
change some of his gold Arthurs into the circulating medium of the
country, and on making inquiry at his hotel, he was directed, for this
purpose, to a spacious stone building with high walls and no windows.
Alighting from his hackney-coach, with a money-box in his hand, he
wandered through a labyrinth of paved courts and spacious rooms filled
with smoky-faced clerks and solid globes of Jews, through some of
which he had great difficulty in forcing his way. After some time, he
discovered the office he wanted, presented his gold, which was duly
tried, weighed, and carefully removed from his sight. The sum was
enounced with very distinct articulation, and a piece of paper was
given to him, with which he was sent to another place.

"How would you like it, sir?" said a little sharp-nosed man with a
quill behind his ear.

"In the circulating medium of this city," said Calidore.

"But I mean, sir, in what portions?"

"In no portions: I wish to have it all at once."

"Thousands, sir? said the little man."

"The specified sum, sir, said Calidore.--The little man put into his
hand several slips of paper."

"Well, sir!" said Calidore, "what am I to do with these?"

"Whatever you please, sir, said the little man, smiling. I wish I
could say as much for myself."

"I am much obliged to you, said Calidore; and I have no doubt you are
an exceedingly facetious and agreeable person; but, at the same time,
if you would have the goodness to direct me where I can receive my

"Sir, said the little man, that is your money."


"Certainly, sir; that."

"What would you have?"

"Gold coin, to be sure, said Calidore."

"Gold coin! I am afraid, sir, you are a disaffected man and a Jacobin,
or you would not ask for such a thing, when I have given you the best
money in the world. Pray, sir, look at it--you are a stranger,
perhaps--look at it, sir; that's all."

Calidore looked at one of the pieces of paper, and read aloud: "I
promise to pay to Mr Henry Hare--One Thousand Pounds--John
Figginbotham.--Well, sir; and what have I to do with John
Figginbotham's promise to pay a thousand pounds to Henry Hare?"

"John Figginbotham, sir, having made that promise, and put it upon
that paper, makes that paper worth a thousand pounds."

"To Henry Hare, said Calidore."

"To any one, said the little man. You overlook the words: or bearer.
Now, sir, you are the bearer."

"I understand. John Figginbotham promises to pay me a thousand


"Then, sir, if you will have the goodness to direct me to John
Figginbotham I will thank him to pay me directly."

"But, good God, sir! you mistake the matter."

"Mistake, sir!"

"Yes, sir! John Figginbotham does not pay; he only signs. We pay: we,
who are here; I and my chums."

"Very well, sir; then why can you not pay me without all this

"Sir, I have paid you."

"How, sir?"

"With those notes, sir."

"Sir, these are promises to pay, made by one Figginbotham. I wish
these promises to be performed. You send me round in a circle from
Hare to Figginbotham, and from Figginbotham to yourself, and I am
still as much in the dark as ever, as to where I am to look for the
performance of their very liberal promises."

"Oh! the performance, sir,--very true sir,--as you say; but, sir,
promises are of two kinds, those which are meant to be performed, and
those which are not, the latter being forms used for convenience and
dispatch of business."

"Then, sir, these promises are not meant to be performed."

"Pardon me, sir, they are meant to be performed, not literally, but in
a manner. They used to be performed by giving gold to the bearer, but
that having been found peculiarly inconvenient has been laid aside by
Act of Parliament ever since the year Ninety-Seven, and we now pay
paper with paper, which simplifies business exceedingly."

"And pray, sir, do these promises to pay pass for realities among the

"Certainly they do, sir; one of those slips of paper which you hold in
your hand will purchase the labour of fifty men for a year."

"John Figginbotham must be a person of very great consequence, there
is not much trouble I presume in making one of these things."

"Not much, sir."

"Then I suppose, sir, John Figginbotham has all the labour of the
country under his absolute disposal. Assuredly this Figginbotham must
be a great magician, and profoundly skilled in magic and demonology;
for this is almost more than Merlin could do, to make the eternal
repetition of the same promise pass for its eternal performance, and
exercise unlimited control over the lives and fortunes of a whole
nation, merely by putting his name upon pieces of paper. However,
since, such is the case, I must try to make the best of the matter:
but if I find that these talismans of the great magician Figginbotham
do not act upon the people as you give me to understand they will, I
shall take the liberty of blowing my bugle in his enchanted castle,
and in the meantime, sir, I respectfully take leave of your courtly

"Poor, deranged gentleman! exclaimed the little man after Calidore was
gone, did you ever hear a man talk so in all your life, Mr Solomons?"

"Veyry much cracked," said Mr Solomons, "veyry much cracked in the
head; but seems to be sound in the pocket, which is the beyter part of


CALIDORE, finding the talismans of Figginbotham sufficiently
efficacious, proceeded to establish himself in a magnificent house,
engaged numerous servants, purchased an equipage, and lived like an
ambassador. He suffered so much of his object to be known as might
facilitate its accomplishment; and it was soon buzzed about the town,
and significantly told in dashes by the Morning Post, that a stranger
of great consequence was arrived from Terra Incognita, whither he
would shortly return, and take with him from England a wife and a
philosopher; which would be a very good speculation for any unmarried
lady and literary gentleman, as on their arrival in the stranger's
country, the former would receive a most splendid allowance of pin-
money, and the latter would sit down for life as an Honorable
Gentleman Pensioner, with such a pension in his single person as in
this more economical nation would keep in pay two whole gangs of
Legitimate Reviewers. This intelligence threw into a state of complete
fermentation all the disinterested beauty and liberal talent of the
metropolis, and all the seats of the Carlisle mails were engaged every
night for a week in bringing up shoals of embryo laureats and poetical
philosophers from Cumberland.

Calidore persuading hiniself that he had already made up his mind in
the choice of a wife, prosecuted with great assiduity his search for a
philosopher, and made diligent enquiry of several eminent booksellers,
and among the rest of the fashionable Mr Macquire.

"A philosopher, sir," said Mr Macquire: "really the article is rather
plentiful the in market, but I have not a sample on hand. A critic,
indeed--I could spare you a fine lively critic on reasonable terms, as
I have several in my pay; but they are all sworn enemies to the very
name of philosophy, and if it be mentioned in their hearing, one of
them faints, another cries, another swears terrible oaths, and a
fourth falls into such a fit of raving that I am obliged to call for a
straight waistcoat. To be sure there is a Mr. Crocodile, the lay-
preacher, who looks in upon me now and then, and talks a great deal
about old philosophy: perhaps he might do, and I should think he would
go cheap: he is woth little to us, and I never could hear that he was
worth anything to any one else: but here is a gentleman who knows more
about these things. Allow me to introduce Mr Index." And he presented
to Calidore* a very smart, lively-looking little man, dressed in the
pink of the fashion.

"Sir," said Mr Index, "I am proud of the opportunity of this
introduction. From the moment I heard of your arrival in London I have
longed for the hour of your acquaintance."


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